Learning to Love: Order

The popular aphorism, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”, reminds us of the importance of counteracting the entropic tendency of everything going to chaos. We have to consciously, put effort into reverting this disintegration, by putting order. It dispenses energy and continual effort.
I have kept myself busy (and out of trouble) cleaning closets, painting walls and doing spring cleaning, these last days. It is not only good for the house, but good for my body (Reverend Mother always said, that the best exercise was doing housecleaning!) and my soul. It discharges dirt, disorder and negativity, depression or guilt, making way for singing!
My Mother’s Puritanical upbringing got me into the healthy habit of keeping everything clean and orderly; of arranging and re-arranging things for everything to have its place; of picking things up immediately after use, so as to avoid cluttering; of continuously giving things I don´t use, to someone who may need them. However, I don´t obsess about it.  I like to think our home is clean-friendly, where my rat-like nature has me saving everything; the cat and dog get on the furniture to share with us and eating is allowed in the ‘living’ room. Ceremonials on Christmas, Halloween, Easter…bring change to our daily life with re-organization of the furniture and routines.
Making a ‘home’ in a house is a full-time job. It hopefully, makes your loved ones want to be there. So it is important to keep a stress-free ambiance to allow them to relax. Not only dirt, but screaming and fighting have to be actively avoided. I was shocked when the sex-workers I gave HIV tests to, told me that husbands who bought their 'favors', frequently blamed the conditions they lived at home, for their wanting to avoid it. Rituals from shamanistic and religious settings help cleanse such negativity. In the Carmelite Monastery we would cleanse every room before sleep, going through them in choral prayer with a lit candle, incense and bell. It holds true for homes. Peace has to be borne from the heart.
Not only the home, but the body has to be cherished and cared for. Even the astral aura can be cleansed (not necessarily with shaman flowers or eggs!) but a simple shower after a nightclub or a rough day. One always picks up negativity, from people in angry or stressful situations such as traffic or endless queues.
In loving, it´s always good to shower together before love-making; perhaps a bath. At least wash your hands before touching!
I feel so ‘re-lived’ when I clean. It´s even better than confession, because you are left with tangible ‘ordi-nation’ and makes you feel ‘good’…worthy of being loved.

Learning to Love: Responsibility

Gloria Ornelas-

Responsibility.
My dear psychoanalyst always warned me: “If you want to care for your children, stop trying to ‘help them . AVOID HURTING THEM. Carry the responsibility for your own consequences; repair them so as not to pass them on to them. That would be enough”.

Just the other day, my 22 year old daughter returned from work in a sea of tears. The promotion she had been working so hard for, and rightly deserved, had been given to another girl who was willing to pay her boss with sexual favors. She was deeply insulted and appalled.

“Welcome to the worldl!” I said sarcastically, remembering my own experiences, as I flashed back over moments where being a woman, had been a set-back and a reason for abuse. I was furious. So much so, that my dreams replayed the pain. It wasn´t fair…but it never has been.
She kept asking herself, why she wasn´t upgraded. ‘Wasn´t she good enough?’. ‘Was she trying too hard?’, putting herself down as she became over-assailing. I was very proud of her, but could see her self-doubts belittling her self-esteem. And again I saw myself in her shoes.
“Please Dear God, don´t let her repeat the mistake of putting myself down, for others to love me!” I prayed. Maybe my mother prayed the same, for me.
As it was, she got the promotion and public recognition for her hard work. But I was left with my fears, reflecting on the personal work I had to do, to avoid setting wrong examples.
I see it in my patients, over and over again. Young girls choosing lovers who are alcoholic, to inwardly try to heal their fathers; or others who choose married men…unconsciously exploring the reasons why their fathers commit adultery…or young girls who unwittingly get pregnant just to abort and ‘kill’ their inner child, as they feel unwanted, themselves. The Bible rightly warned that we would be passing down our sins, from generation to generation.

Before carrying the responsibility for our deeds we must learn to care for ourselves. This starts with respect for self and others. ‘Respect’, from the Latin: ‘re-spectio’ (to perceive from another angle), will give us a second opportunity to see ourselves from  re-newed understanding that will set  a firmer pivot for our personal choices. It’s not about right or wrong; about judgment or punishment. It´s about forgiving ourselves and accepting our human imperfection; it’s about repairing the damage done, from the compassion that comes when we re-cognize that same imperfection, in others. It all starts and ends with love.