Learning to LOve: Families

Families are containers for re-latedness. To relate (lat.: re-again; latio-side/beat) is to re-establish contact from a different side; to re-establish timing to a re- newed  ‘beat’. Both acceptions require the containing framework of an encompassing family. Thus, I can break away from my personal ego-centered stance and shift to the perspective of a loved one within the safety-grounds of a trusted environment. Change and ‘development’  is easier within this ‘envelopment’.

While in the Mexican Association of Sexology, we did a research on ‘families’, establishing up to 29 different structures: nuclear families, extended families, divorced…with ‘your’ children; ‘my’ children; ‘our’ children; adopted children; grandparents, uncles, aunts etc .It included indigenous structuring of families, where twins share wives;  where father and son share wives; even villages with a shared ‘wife’. They all hold love. ‘upholding strongholds as holdings’ held together by relatedness.

This Spring I invited my ex-husband to our family town house. I did it for him to get away and have a break from the hardships of everyday life (and aging), he started the year with. I was surprised, however at everyone’s reaction. Despite our having dinner together once a week, for over the 11 years we’ve been divorced, my daughter’s reaction and that of my step-children and sisters was one of ‘shock’. No, we are not planning on getting back together, again, but what is  wrong with ‘caring’ for each other, beyond the marriage vows? As Western society would have it, love is only allowed in marriage. We like to believe we divorced out of love. If we had wanted to hurt each other we would have stayed married to continue making our lives miserable!!!!

The experience was interesting. My parents shared mutual enjoyment with his presence, perhaps from the wisdom, borne of time, that values everyday as if it were the last. No strings attached; no false expectations; just ‘living the moment’ gratefully. I enjoyed the old comfort of knowing each other well, making it all, relaxing and easy-going. However, there too, were surprising changes. He opened the car door for me! And even thanked me for making his bed. ’Change’ is ‘strange’…both, with a hidden ‘angel’ within.

 In my understanding it confirms that love can be extended beyond what is socially acceptable. But it needs family.

 

Learning to Love: Loopholes

Gloria Ornelas Hall-

Complexity, as its name implies is opportunity unraveled, flexed over, plicated, folded upon itself. It is potential to be unfolded. That’s what I tell myself when things get tough and uncertainty and loss of control make for chaos in my life. Inevitably, epiphanies let the light in and shine with sudden understanding, opening portholes that seem to loop through time. Then, Einstein’s notion of time as warped unfolding, seems to make sense.

I had one of these ‘eureka’ moments the other day, as I had coffee with my dear High School teacher. In itself, our meeting after so many years is a loop in time, with a sudden gushing in of forgotten memories that refreshed ‘my today’. I presently understood the simultaneity of things related to the soul. Loving is made of such things.

Re-creating reality with the awareness of parallel synchronicity opens a network of channels giving us opportunities of simultaneous input and output in all directions. (A bit like this blog, that opens portholes to other lives, tapping into parallel realities that share same interests). Consciousness itself, expands with such bizarre notions as the possibility of understanding human behavior in two or more dimensions. As if the physical reactions of chemical and electrical stimulation, now uncovered by scientific probing into the brain, were connected to one’s own ‘integrating soul’ at another plane. This would explain that consciousness is not limited to the brain but is integrated and given meaning, by a parallel mind. Plato’s description of reality as mere shadows reflected on a cave wall, and Freud’s description of consciousness as being an ‘iceberg’ where part of reality is seen while the other goes unperceived, comes to mind with such a possibility. Man could then, be described metaphorically as a lipid protruding through a cell membrane, on both the inside and the outside of the cell. Meaning then has expansive qualities that readjust understanding to a re-newed concept of self and others.

In the light of time, as having these ‘trans-membranic qualities’, with simultaneous contact between this reality and another a-temporal space, the injunction of past and future within today’s every moment becomes onerous. Imagine yourself, fixed on the limited self-concept of being a mere finger, and suddenly expanding awareness to realize that you are also the hand, the arm and the whole ‘being’ of life.

In love, such expansive awareness comes when we broaden conscious integration of our ego-self, to include another; and another; and another till we realize we are all one. Such an epiphany includes new ways of loving: forgiving; accepting; understanding or not; letting go and trusting that ‘it’ll be alright’. We are all interconnected by this matrix of loopholes to and from each other, not only today, but from the past and the future, simultaneously!

So, ‘what the hell!!!!!’ Stop trying to control, holding on to fixed ways that only limit our way of loving. Open up and let go.. Flow with the gush of love.

Learning to love: Befriend your demons

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

 Befriend your demons

It´s hard to admit one is wrong, but harder still to re-cognize one’s a “bitch”. Yet, without it we cannot love. We tend to project our shadow-selves on others, blaming them for our worst fears.
Disowning the dark side of our soul is loving, ‘half-heartedly’.

I started thinking about this when my daughter twitted that she had stopped fighting her inner demons “…we’re on the same side , now” (@tandorantes). I was proud of her inner strength, so much stronger in her generation than ours. Hatred and evil horrify me. She takes them for granted. What horrifies her, she said “…is stupidity”. At first, I thought that was funny but the more I think out it, the closer to hard reality. Yes, man isgood and evil. That is a fact. Evidence proves it. But he has a choice, which can only be made with ‘intelligence’. To be horrified with man´s evil is to deny one´s own capacity to think, and possibly ‘react’ if given the circumstances, with the same destructive force.

“Actually”, says my daughter, “survival in this world needs demons. Only with them, can we have that added ‘intelligent edge’ which you can´t see when you´re blinded by ‘sweetness’ ”
…. So much for my blog!!!

 I suppose she is right. The more I think about it, the more I recognize the inner work I have to do, to accept my own inner demons. All this self-righteous ‘goodness’ cannot be real if it is not grounded by its shadow. Yes, I have been and am a ‘bitch’. So there!

Long before confessing or even repairing any damage I’ve done, I have to recognize: the wrath with which I hate anyone who cuts in front of me in the traffic…'I could kill them!'; my avarice that has me holding on to cluttering memories and ‘things’ that I can’t get rid of; my cowardice that prefers to smile, be stepped upon and play the martyr; my pride that looks down upon everyone, not because I’m haughty but with the certainty that  ‘I am better”.

Befriending my demons would require I talk to my shadow-self to try to understand why- the wrath, the avarice, the cowardice and the pride. Perhaps I’d learn that my wrath stems from repressed anger, for pain from constant abuse. Knowing about it, I can respond with anticipation, setting limits on time. I´d learn that my avarice comes from a hollow inner emptiness that yearns for recognition and I’d prepare for the day, asking my loved ones for an extra ‘hurray!’, so as to avoid begging for it from others at work. I’d learn that my cowardice comes from fear and insecurity, after having been rejected and made fun of so many times, and I’d learn to avoid bullies. I’d realize that my pride comes from over-confidence, from spoiling and getting my way all the time and try to do things on my own, despite my fear of failure.

So perhaps, we do have to get to know our darker selves, to enhance conscious awareness. Both foolishness and kindness may overlook negativity; the real fool, from ignorance; the kind man, from generosity.

The Kamasutra says that “virtue is a luxury, inaccessible to all”. Only those who know their inward capacity for evil can have patience and understanding for all.
It’s OK to be a ‘bitch’. It gives me the courage to stand up for myself and others, and to look at reality head on.  So look out, here I come!

                                                Even the heart has compartments unknown to itself.

Learning to Love: Get a Life

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Get a Life

Loving is not about making others ‘your life’ or as Joyce C. Hall, creator of Hallmark cards, would have had it back in Kansas in 1910, be  “a reason for living”.

Relationships have changed throughout the ages as gender and sex participation evolves in society and politics. The rules for relationships for my parents and their parents are totally different, to the rules in relationships today and even different from those among younger generations.

The Lost Generation born between 1883 and 1900 describes those who fought in World War I, with relationships working side by side in the mills and mines to build a country from immigrants. The G.I. Generation, born from around 1901 through 1924 includes the veterans who fought in World War II, during the Great Depression and describes relationships that eloped to break away from Puritanical limitations. The Silent Generation, born between 1925 and 1945, includes those who fought during the Korean War, much more aware of social acceptance as radio and cinema created  ‘popularity’. The Baby Boomers, from 1946 to 1964, marked an increase in birth rates after the War, rekindling hope in relationships as existential nihilism ended. In the 1960s, young adults and teenagers started the Hippie movement, making free love their banner with the introduction of ‘the pill’. The Generation X , from the early 1960s to the 1980s included those targeted by financial markets for sales, with relationships related to alcohol and fashion. The Generation Y, also known as Millennials, describes those born in the turn of the century, ranging somewhere from the latter 1970s to the early 2000s, accelerated by ecstasy and artificial ‘uppers’, as ADD and ADH became popular, with no commitment in relationships . The Generation Z  are those born after the early 2000s, with relationships identified with ecology, equity and a New Age order.

So when young adolescents today, try to develop their independence and still have their parents ‘fussing over them’, they often say “Mom, get a life” and they’re right. Where traditionally, we as parents devoted our time to our children, having had them be part of our bodies in pregnancy; having had them need us in childhood to survive; and having had them as learners in adolescence, as they become independent, they require us parents to shift the axis of our priorities, re-taking our own lives. The same holds true for our lovers. We cannot make them ‘our life’.

‘Getting a life’ requires retaking everything that spurs our inner passion. Physically: sports, dancing, travelling; emotionally: music, movies, art; rationally: studies, writing, teaching and spiritually: reading, contemplation and 're-learning how to love'. With it, however, we must also exact respect for our own right to independence.

 

 

Learning to Love: Cut the Crap

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

 Cut the crap
My daughter was upset I wrote about her in the last post, asking me to respect her personal intimacy. So I publicly say I´m sorry. She’s right, loving exacts privacy. However, she did add that loving is not all about smooching and kindness. She said “it requires balls” (please excuse my French). If they want you, “boyfriends have to be true, and prove it. Intentions are not enough. If lovers don´t value you enough to take you out, give you the best and cherish you, they are not worthwhile”. Beyoncé put it this way in the Super Bowl: “If you want it you should’ve put a ring on it”.
Her differing perspective about my believing that her father and I had actually worked out a constructive divorce, faced me with the stark truth. It’s hasn´t been a bed of roses and she has had to buffer our differences. That made me aware that I tend to overlook the flaws and weaknesses in lieu of romantic relationships, replacing facts with illusion. I love her strong-willed, clear outlook on life. She´s going to be alright. As for me, I have plenty of food for thought, as I check with reality.

Illusion and deception are fantasy, with wishful thinking being a way for denial. It´s always easier to go soft, giving others the benefit of the doubt, rather than have the courage to face things as they are. I have to justify less and ‘cut the crap’. This self-appraisal sets me on much more solid ground. It´s hard to accept you have been wrong, or in self-denial. I tend to lower the standards for others so as to look better in the picture. This is cowardice and it is a way of covering up for my errors. Worst of all, it is setting a wrong precedent for my daughter. She is right. We have to expect the best from others and ourselves. Relationships should grow together with this in mind. I have to focus not only on giving, but on expecting just as much. It’s hard for me since I have played the ‘sacrificial heroine’ all my life.

If your husband blames you for marriage, because of pregnancy or deceit, leave him. If you are harassed or abused physically, emotionally, economically or are always being put down and criticized, leave him. If your lover doesn´t take you out, or has you pay the bills, or hides you from his friends and lies about the relationship, leave him. Cut the crap.

Then you can work on your self-esteem.

Learning to Love: Impotence

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

 Impotence

How can I blog about loving and not be able to help my 22 year old daughter when she asks “How can I get a boyfriend?”
Beautiful, smart hard-working, good grades in the University, responsible and very loving…but 22, when boys her age are still playing around and older boys are thinking serious. Her girlfriends and their relations describe the gory scenario youth is confronting…one-night stands; abusive affairs with married bosses; desperate efforts to rank in beauty competitions, with extreme risks such as anorexia. Just in her generation they have had to deal with abortions, AIDS, clinics for AA, abduction and violence and chronic states of depression and hopelessness. Now, it´s not everyone. There are those who have travelled abroad to help out in Africa and Asia; those who have won international recognition and project financing; those who are working in the International Court of Justice, in the government; those who have written books and poetry and started their own recording and DJ companies. What makes the difference?

My psychoanalyst, Honorary Founder of the International Association for Mental Health, Louis Feder, said we can always expect: a thirty per cent of the population to have to deal with risk, whether potential, triggered or occurred; forty per cent will be mediocre and go with the flow with no self-determination or conscious awareness; and the upper thirty percent will be resilient and work to help others.

 

By definition, this differentiation, determined either by genetic, congenital, or early learning conditions makes a difference as they unfold as adults. There is also their cerebral maturation process, which in the early twenties, develops abstract- reasoning in the frontal lobe. So they will begin to think for themselves, questioning their parents, social mores and their very reason for living… And of course, there is also Freud. We repeat patterns set by parents in our relationships, selecting and molding our lovers according to our parents’ early modeling. So, one finds oneself establishing co-dependence, whether it be as an addict, or as ‘rescuer’ of a partner in need; or choosing partners who are aggressive and abusive, or weak and submissive according to the roles we learned as children. That's when helping a daughter implies not damaging her.

The feeling of impotence is wrenching. You want to help a loved one avoid unnecessary pain, even bear it for them, but love is made of such relentless soul-tearing. Impotence renders us needing Higher help, as we deal with the mystery of destiny and fate. We may never understand why things happen as they do; we just have to live it.  It is the way we bear that which we cannot change, that makes the difference. We must develop the bulwark of virtue (lat- vir-inner strength) to deal with life´s reckoning with staunch integrity.

But that doesn´t answer my daughter’s question. All I can do is love her and walk the way of life by her side, as she blossoms and is rejected for fear and insecurity of others. We are living times in which we have to take a stance: Life or Death; Right or Wrong and be willing to fight for it.

Learning to love: Freedom

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

 Freedom

True commitment comes from freedom. If we are not the masters of our own ‘domain’ we have no ‘choice’. And the value of true loving is that we ‘will’ it. We should all be free to decide. Unfortunately, history is teeming with shameful evidence of the scarring possessiveness of man over woman, master over slave, and the strong over those more vulnerable.

Anthropology tries to ‘apologize’ explaining that, as nomads settled with the development of agriculture, man had to guarantee the legitimacy of his children to validate their inheriting his land. Thus he took women into possession, making them an extension of his reproductive organs. For centuries women have taken on men’s name, having to feed them, give them children and pleasure, with no right to inheritance, or freedom over their bodies. There was a time, when even religious councils posed the question of women’s having a soul! It was as late as the 1900’s that women fought for their right to vote, to have fair conditions at work, to have a right to education and, with the introduction of ‘the pill’, right to sex for pleasure, rather than for mere reproduction. Still today, women´s bodies are overseen by the State, as laws on abortion are passed determining the fate of their pregnancies, and their right or not, to heaven. Today, we can aspire to look our lover in the eye, from the basis of equality and not possession. Though we are not the same, we both have the right to love from our freedom of choice.

Glen Close’s magnificent representation of Mr. Nobbs, exemplifies the saga of women in the eighteen hundreds, as she plays the part of a woman and her plight with survival, when refusing to marry. She ends up dressing as a man, to work for a living. The drama unfolds when she tries to establish a personal relationship in a commitment of marriage and ends liberating the choice for same-sex relationships.

It is not only history that makes freedom difficult to attain. It is the need for personal mastery over fear, weakness, and self-complacency that takes its toll in our fight for freedom. It requires self-governance and full responsibility over our needs and deeds. It requires courage and endurance to live out the consequences of our decisions.

In freedom we realize that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It’s ‘why’ we make our choices and ‘what we do with them’, that matters. Commitment made in freedom requires integrity and honor. To honor a decision made over a relationship, is to recognize the personal dignity in ourselves and in our lover. It requires being true to ourselves and to him/her.
In the Bible it specifies that we must undo a commitment made, before acquiring an added responsibility, whether it be to love God or man. It´s OK to change our minds, but we must undo our commitments first, honoring dignity. Such respectful recognition of our lover or ex-lover’s Higher Self, sets love above casualties.

In freedom I choose to love, through sickness and despair. In freedom I accept my limitations and respect my potential. In freedom I chose to forgive and continue loving.

Learning to love. Innocence

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Lesson 31: Innocence

 The other day I heard a wonderful TED exposé by Mitch Resnick, where he proposes we teach children about coding. http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/es/mitch_resnick_let_s_teach_kids_to_code.html

Aside from the ingenious proposal, proved successful by his interactive web page http://scratch.mit.edu, I was impressed by his innocence. It is not every day you see someone brilliant, highly recognized for his expertise, talk about his mother, with such love. He used her as an example of someone unaccustomed to computer technology, who found his method of learning coding, simple. But the innocence with which he opened up and shared his emotions was deeply moving. Again he manifested innocent spontaneity when he referred to a young student thanking him, for teaching him how to add variables to an improvised, interactive game he was making. How many of us value such simple gestures. That is what true teachers are made of.

I have been in education for over 30 years and I had never thought about the importance of innocence in a teacher. We become savvy and stuck-up, critical of our peers and their difficulties. We certainly need innocence as teachers to establish empathy and recognize students’ hardships in learning. But we also need innocence as lovers.

Innocence allows us to be spontaneous; to share our fears and insecurities; to ask for help. It takes innocence to be in touch with awe, enthusiasm and humor. As its etymology implies, ‘innocence’  (from lat. Absence of- Gnoscere- to know), requires setting aside assumptions, opinions, preconceptions and previous knowledge. We have to empty our arsenal of self-righteousness and obsequious attention to error, in order to open up to learning, wonder and amazement. That is the emptiness we need, to fully perceive our loved one  as he grows and changes, every day and still, be filled with renewed wonder and amazement.

Innocence requires trust, letting go, losing control and responding instinctively. Only with this innocent attitude can we admit we need someone; can we share our vulnerability; can we admit we are wrong and ask for forgiveness, in a relationship.

 

I thank Mitch for sharing his love for his mother openly, innocently. It speaks for his soul, and his authentic desire to reach out to others. Such daring is often met with ridicule and dismissal, when, in fact it is proof of authenticity. It is this innocence, and not humility that makes us trustworthy, as teachers and as lovers. Spontaneous anger, laughter, awe and sharing are all signs of innocence. Creativity, growth and change come with it. Perhaps this is the key to avoid relationships from going stale and to deter  us from ageing. We need innocence to believe again, not only in students who fail; but in lovers who fail us and even to believe in ourselves, again.

 (It´s a shame I have grown callous and cynical. However, if innocence is not something one looses, perhaps I still have a chance to nurture its regeneration. I´ll have to try it, though the cost of giving up my self-righteous validity will hurt!)

Learning to Love. Surrender

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Surrender

 One of my big errors in loving has been- giving in, to my lover. I surrendered completely to him, delivering my personal power, as I handed him control over me. I gave him body, heart and soul with the false notion that it was a way of proving my devotion. In so doing, I lost myself and lost him, as he lost interest in me. I was left dis-empowered with no self-esteem; just shame. Myths and fairy tales are about this type of loving that erroneously values losing oneself, to the loved one. IT IS WRONG.

I was left empty, heartless and hopeless, with an after-taste of bitterness. It took me ages to ‘re-member’ who I was….as I put my broken self together again and picked the pieces of my heart up, from abandonment.

NEVER GIVE YOUR HEART AND SOUL TO ANYONE. They are yours to be treasured and cared for. They are the inner light of d’ignity and Higher Self. To do so is degradation that belittles self and he or she, whom you entrust. No, one cannot surrender and give oneself over to someone else. We are each, responsible for ourselves. Nor can we accept that someone else deliver his/her personal responsibility and dignity over to us. We cannot carry anyone other than ourselves.

Rather, we must surrender our Ego and yield unto our Higher Selves; not as defeat or failure, nor as giving up or submitting oneself to fate. It has to be done with the parallel strength of endurance. It requires inner stamina and uprightness to yield our lower, egotistical nature to our higher understanding of Love. Our lover may not like it, since it entails doing things right. It is not about pleasing our lover or submitting to his desires, but about personal adherence to everything that is good: kindness, generosity, patience, humility, temperance. It is yielding to our inner ´god-ness’.

 

Everyday little things can become opportunities for this type of surrender: awareness of others and their needs; a smile; a kind word to a stranger. With our lovers, it entails being True…true to ourselves and to him; true to God-ness.

To be righteous is a personal challenge and a profound responsibility that requires developing strength, courage and fortitude.  Invariably we will find opposition from others with criticism, cynicism and doubt. If your lover is worthwhile, he will value your Higher Loving. If he is egotistical he will be among those who attack you.  Leave him and stay away from those who belittle your efforts to surrender to your Higher Self.

 

Learning to Love. Understanding

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

 Understanding

Love cannot be understood. And yet, without understanding we cannot love.

‘Under-standing’ is that sustaining premise on which we ‘stand’. We take a ‘stance’ and fix a personal position, when we have a solid baseline on which to build thought-constructs and opinions.

I have never had ‘common sense’ or ‘good judgment’ because it requires keeping in check with reality and factual data. It has to be proved. I prefer trying to 'understand', expanding beyond the logical methodology of ‘knowing’ and exploring underlying subjective associations. . Understanding is flexible and adapts to interaction with feelings and emotions, not just to rationale. Without this buffering, relationships would break, with the daily clashing of differing ego’s.

However, understanding is not enough. Just the other day I found my lover´s reactions difficult to accept. They seemed to me, inexplicable. It is not about ‘justifying’ what we cannot accept.  I tried blaming myself, blaming him, blaming circumstances and yet no explanations held together enough, to make sense of what I saw as ‘senseless’ behavior. That’s when loving kicks in.

Let go. Don’t try to understand. Just love, in one of its forms: mercy, compassion, patience.

Love sets us free from judging in a binary right/wrong way, allowing us to differ and even reject our lover in anger, without affecting the quality of our loving. Loving cannot be bound to facts. Otherwise, our judgmental tendencies would invariably find fault with our lovers.

 Loving is a flow that breezes past thoughts. Thoughts may ‘rustle’ and ‘bustle’ and heave ‘hustle’, but love cannot be caught. It is fresh and cleanses the mind from nagging thoughts that demand precision and control. Love cannot be evaluated, measured, contained or limited to explanations. It just is. Experiencing love sets us free from  understanding even ourselves, releasing us from self-importance and  exigent expectations. Understanding helps, in dealing with the day-to-day rut of conflicting differences, but in no way can it circumscribe our loving.

Love is a decision. I may not ‘agree’; I may not ‘accept’ and I can draw my own inferences to try to ‘understand’ my lover. However, when we don't understand the inexplicable intricacies and complications of destiny, we can decide to accept it. To love is to understand with this inner enlightenment of ‘d’dignity’ (from lat. Igneo- flame).

Learning to Love. Limits

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Limits

Although love is everywhere, the experience of loving is individual. Rather like oxygen, spread throughout the atmosphere and yet contained in each cell. To individuate this experience we have to set boundaries with clear-cut limits, much as cell-membranes envelop and contain individuated life.

Differentiation makes every cell specialize in the functions of a specific tissue, such as muscle cells, bone cells, erythrocytes etc. People are also different, each able to develop specific capacities to benefit the whole of society. Membranes establish points of reference, contiguity, exchange, interaction and bonding between cells. Skin contains internal fluids and organs; it separates but also offers the possibility of contact and encounter. Limits trace boundaries in a relationship, establishing individuated rights and responsibilities.

Using the analogy of cell-membranes, to understand the interaction between lovers in a relationship, we find that membranes are not rigid, but flexible and permeable, open to receiving and excreting substances through pores. Relationships should, likewise allow interaction through flexibility and mutual acceptance. Giving and receiving is what allows life. Intolerance in a relationship makes us close all possibility of dialogue, exchange and growth.

Lovers open these boundaries to share an ethereal space of mutual loving (rather like the process of endocytosis in cells, where membranes open up to engulf external substances to internalize them). This fusion implies trust and responsibility. Once we have shared our lover’s intimacy and known his vulnerability, we are empowered with capacity to either help or destroy him. This is the risk of loving. This is the responsibility of choosing the right person we let into our heart’s hearth. Having someone break that trust and hurt us, impairs our integrity. The membrane is severed.

I´m sure everyone has suffered from heart-breaks that destroy innocence. We must, as cells that constantly repair and revitalize tissue, care and repair our hearts. Trust is built with generosity. We have to give loving, a second, third and chances ad-infinitum.  Anger is repaired with patience. We have to transform the ‘rage’ of having been hurt, into ‘cou-rage’ to uphold faith in our loved one’s dignity, especially when he forgets it.

Cells keep their shape through a cytoskeleton; bodies, their uprightness, with their bones. Souls are kept righteous through virtue. It takes kindness to ‘re-pair’.

In human tissues, a lesion takes time to heal, hardening through a process of scarring that renders it insensitive. The same thing happens in loving. We harden our hearts in distrust, becoming cynical and vengeful. We must, therefore, be selective, treasuring exclusivity. We must ‘adhere’ only to people who build us, constructively. We have to learn to say “No”, to say “stop”, to say “not now”. We have to establish clear rules of mutual  respect.

Learning to Love. Bonding

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Bonding

Life is bound by a meshwork of relationships. Relationships between higher and lower orders of life; chain reactions; empathy; dependence and co-dependence; homeostasis; cause and effect… Bonding is about linkage between these relationships…the contract (in small print!) that binds all life unto unity.

Bonds differ. There are tight-knit tissues in the network of the Mystical Whole. There are loose ends. There are holes and gaps; ‘see-throughs’ to nothingness.

People are the cells…relationships are the articulating construct…feelings are the receptors that bind. Like in cells, there are specific ‘gages’ that ‘engage’ with specific other cells. So, feelings link us to others, either, attracting or repelling. Some, relate in tight fitting networks; others, with laxer spacing. (Tell me, who has been married several times, bound with all sorts of different contracts).

Feelings are then basic to unify me’s into us.

Unfortunately, our society disregards educating the heart to feel with constructive bonds. Rather, we are taught to respond with feelings that destroy… such as hatred, envy, meanness. So, the social tissue of life cannot expand awareness unto another level of consciousness till we learn that I am US; that I am incomplete without you; that to know you is to love me; to know me is to love you.

We have to learn to master our reactions to feelings.

Now, feelings are not emotions. Feelings are the reactive response of sentiment to what we feel on the outside.

Emotions, as their Latin etymology implies, are the motor of passion within.

The first, respond to external stimuli. The latter, respond from the soul, within.

Feelings then, are a response set off by external stimulus. They are basic for survival. They are the body´s language that responds and alerts us to external conditions. We decide how to interpret, and respond to these stimuli.

Emotions are what moves us from within. They come from passion, not from reason. They are borne of the soul, not of the mind.

Virtues are the muscles of the spirit that willfully control response. They are the response to reason.

All feelings are immature forms of love. They are determined by our perception, rather like colors through a prism. Therefore bonding with feelings, may make our links to other people, weak and unstable, though with time and consistent usage, bonds will grow stronger.

Emotions are our unconscious response to CONFLICT. They are the filters of the passion that moves us from the soul.

Will is reasoning controlled by decision-making, from the mind.

Virtue is inductive bonding of the spirit..

PD- Did you know that oxytocin, a peptide that stimulates uterine contraction, is called the ‘monogamy molecule’ because its sensitivity to ‘touch’ stimulates mating, grooming and cuddling in both sexes?

Learing to Love. Reparation

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Lesson 24: Reparation

Man has always punished vice, crime and sin, be it as retaliation from he who was wronged, as correction from the family, as justice from the State, or as penance from the Church. However, underlying excessive punishment is always vengeance and retrieval.

With the New testament, the old Mosaic injunction “thou shalt give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe” was reverted with a new law, the law of forgiveness. In His sermon on the mount Christ said, “Ye shall resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; and if any man will sue thee at the law and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also”. The new law is about loving and forgiving our enemies. Princess Mary says to Prince Andrew in War and Peace, “Forget it and forgive! We have no right to punish”.

Saint Augustine said that God rightly punished the sins he committed for “every disorder in the soul is its own punishment”. Hobbes describes it with a theory that “intemperance is naturally punished with dis-ease; injustice with the violence on enemies; cowardice with oppression”. Freud said that seeking punishment was the psyche´s way to find relief from guilt.

In an unjust society, we may have to bear the injustice of punishment for resisting the state, in refusing to obey laws that go against our conscience as did Socrates, Gandhi, Thoreau, Oscar Wilde and so many self-governing leaders.

My plight with sin, whether real, fancied, or karmic, lead me to the Monastery, a sinner in penance; to becoming a social fighter, for meritorious indulgence; to co-dependent relationships, for joint reparation. This self-assigned injunction from love, held me restrained from inner joy. Here, the underlying wrong was the pride of making my sin larger that God´s forgiveness and rejecting Love. With the recent avowal of love from my fiancé 30 years ago, I vindicated my innocence and my right to accept love and for the first time experienced inner joy. It took me almost 60 years!

Reparation (from the Latin re-parare- standing up again) is not only for the wrong-doer but for he who allowed it. It is about conscious awareness of wrong-doing and the conscious decision to re-dignify our Higher Selves. We have to repair the damage done, not to benefit others, but to get ourselves back on our feet and hold our heads up high.

When I was young one of my teachers slapped me in front of the class. Smugly, I turned the other cheek and she hit me again!!!! My classmates were shocked and called me ‘stupid’ for my reaction and for letting it go without sanction. Forty years later, out of the blue, she contacted me and after exchanging life experiences, she said she was sorry.
What other way of loving is there?

Learning to Love. Stillness

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Stillness

Without inner silence you cannot hear the rustling in the trees. To know where the winds are coming from, we must first hush inner turmoil. ‘Anguish’ (from the lat.: angst-narrow) is the distress that suffocates us when in stress. ‘Anxiety’ is inner confusion that blinds the soul. Both come from fear. Uncertainty leaves us grappling aimlessly with no leverage or control. This helplessness renders us fearfully dependent upon destiny.

All we can do is trUSt. We have each other to hold on to.

How can we deal with this tension?

Breathe in, inhale deeply and exhale slowly, releasing the tension. Be here and now. Don´t fuss about where it´s coming from or where it is going. Let it go and be still. Don´t follow thoughts that fly across your mind. Like birds passing by, be aware of them but don´t get hung up; let them go. Don´t think. Don´t feel. Just breathe; rhythmically, slowly, deeply, and be still. It is when you are ill (dis-ease) that you must be still (and take it easy).

A peaceful mirror of water comes to mind, when the dregs of confusion have settled. If ‘sticks and stones’ aimed at you, stir that peace, don´t fuss. You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. You are not what others see of you or how you are described. You are not your actions or your mistakes. Center within, and anchor deep into your Higher Self. That is when you gain consciousness of your true immanence. Everything else can wait.

It is within this stillness that we can truly listen. Music is made from such silence. Such perception allows us to know the Truth. An example comes to mind, from one of my patients who couldn´t stop hating herself for not having heeded to her son’s cry for help, before he committed suicide. We often hear what we chose to believe, minimizing dangers and blowing up self-justification. It happens in love. We see and hear what we want to believe in our lover, often overlooking alarming signs of trouble. It is often easier, requiring little effort or personal risk. If we are still, our perception is cleaner and clearer, with greater fidelity. Free from wishful thoughts and judgments; from feelings of fear or desire, we are open to receive others as they are. Loving them thusly, is accepting them unconditionally. We must first empty self from ego.

Now that I know the stillness of the heart, I can hear my heart leap and skip a beat when it falls in love. I wouldn´t miss it for anything. It is the rhythm of life.

Learning to Love. Timing

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Timing
Eternity is unconceivable without time. Our understanding of time is linear, based on past events, through the present, on to an envisioned future. This thought process allows us to understand ‘cause and effect’, and anchor our perceived reality to factual evidence. However, the subjective experience of ‘depth, breadth and height’, which is the way love is measured according to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, is a vertical thought process.

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Time is determined by Einstein's theory of relativity, where mass and time are interconnected, affecting planets and their orbits. It is also determined by the cultural impact their measurements and equivalences have on calendars. In the Chinese lunar/sun calendar, the year 2013 is 4709, the Year of the Dragon and will end on February 9^th. For the Ethiopians we are in 2005, since their calendar is made up of 13 months starting from the Annunciation of the birth of Christ, and will change on September 12^th. For the Hebrews, this 5773 started on the sunset of the 16^th of September 2012. In the Buddist Thai calendar we are in 2556. For the Burmese we are in 1375. For the Hindu calendar we have to add 3102 years to 2013- 5115. The Islamic year 1434 started on the 14^th of November. For the Tibetans this is a feminine year related to Water and the Snake. Our Gregorian calendar, most widely used, was set by decree in 1582 by Pope Gregory XIII, based on vernal equinoxes which lose 11 minutes every year, restored by  ‘leaping’ a day every 4^th  year, in February. In all cases time is relative.

We each have a personal timing for development, maturation and death. Our internal clocks are not only set by diurnal or nocturnal variations but by the seasons, the lunar changes and our own internal unraveling. Take me, for example, with a fiancé I rebuffed thirty years ago, who has now re-appeared in my life. I had pending dues with destiny, then. Now, my timing is right.
Decisive events in our lives set individual parameters to measure the impact of pain and success. Fate takes no notice of time. Life would be unbearable if it were not broken down into minutes and seconds. Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) said “It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.”
Loving makes time bearable and eternal. Its memory prolongs the joy of youth and the hope of innocence. It´s never too early and never too late to love.

Learning to LOve. Cherish

L´earning to  Love

Gloria Ornelas Hall

Cherish

‘Cherish’ is a word introduced into the English language during the Middle Ages, from the French, meaning cheri- dear. This lovely word of ‘endearment’ evokes the sweetness of cherries, the tenderness of fondness and that romantic song the 60’s http://youtu.be/cCEVwtIPAlU.

When I sit in silence with my chest of memories evoking images that I can feel, smell and taste all over again, I have to go through them and throw away the ones that hurt, before being able to cherish them. It’s a process, similar to that of cleaning out the memory in my computer. It is as simple as ‘deleting’; much easier said than done. ‘Letting go’ to ‘forget’ requires detachment and re-engineering of the wiring in meanings.

I’ll give an example from one of my patients, a young woman repeatedly punishing herself with the painful reminder of a past abortion. She couldn’t accept it or get it out of her mind. We went over the many ways that decision had changed her life, rescuing the alter benefits she had had, such as her career and financial success. She had in fact, married a wonderful man with a son from another marriage. Trying to piece the synchronicity of her life ‘re-member-ing’ isolated events and re-engineering new meanings into the flow of events, we realized that her step-son was engendered around the date of her failed pregnancy. She came to terms with that amazing coincidence giving significance to the possibility of destiny playing a role in her life as a mother. She chose to believe that perhaps it was the same ‘soul’. It didn’t matter if it was true or not, or if it made any sense to those around her. It made her feel better with herself and that made all the difference. She could let go of her self-destructive remorse and love again.

The word ‘memory’ comes from the lat. -mem- which is a unit of stored information. Electric impulses literally form DNA with the protein coding of our ‘memories’, in neurons of the human cortex. These are stored as disarticulate ‘bits’ of information. When we retrieve a memory we ‘re-member’ the isolated parts of the input and give it a personal subjective meaning. This pattern of inter-connected neurons can be rearranged by will, through conscious decision-making and cropping. This is the principle behind neuro- linguistic programming. We decide what we think. We create our own meanings.
Now, the axons and dendrites leading to these memory-neurons are activated from the skin, with muscular and skeletal response related to them. We can release the energy trapped in pain through touch and movement. Massage, dancing, love-making all give relief, through release.

After choosing to let go of the memories that hurt, I can focus on those that make me re-live moments of love. This endearing re-experiencing generates new love which can be channeled to emanate good-will and direct well-wishing to our loved ones. This type of envisioning can envelop our cherished ones, through time and distance, with re-kindled, unconditional love.

Try it!